Our inside sources were at first frustrated in their attempts to find out anything about Karl Rove. But after a trek back into the nether regions of the South a few elderly folks were found and provided the following information.
The sad reality that came upon poor Karl when he was still in his teens, that the man to whom his mother was married, who he had always viewed as a father, was not in fact the man who sired him, sent shock waves down the fragile stability that then held together his self image. It was a final blow to an already shaky self image.
Young Karl's family had come out of strange beginnings. The story, and it certainly explains subsequent events, is that his mother became pregnant while carrying a water bucket the quarter mile to the local scream. Their shack, located in the nether regions of the Appalachians, was without running water and without electricity. The closest phone was located ten miles away.
Informed by visual developments of his daughter's condition Karl's grandfather refused to allow a marriage because he characterized the Karl's father, as “no account.” Soon, however, taking her new born child, Karl's mother fled the hills and ended up in the red light district of a large town in Colorado. There she found employment and, eventually, a husband. Several more children were born to the family. Karl's new father, who never adopted him, was poor but honest. The family faced constant financial problems that forced them to move frequently.
The shame, uncertainty, and instability caused Karl to gaze with extreme longing at the lives of privilege lived by his school mates. But in addition to the bald facts of his own origins Karl was everything that bred contempt in children. A constant outsider, he was despised at school because he was clumsy on the play ground, frequently tripping over his own feet when forced by circumstance to play games.
Karl retreated into himself, living a rich fantasy life wherein he dominated through his superior mind and wit. Sublimating his hunger for recognition for food he soon became addicted to food in all forms. His fantasies and lack of funds moved him to paste pictures of tempting delicacies up on his bedroom walls along with the scavenged photos of the men he admired.
Food, the textures, tastes, and fulfillment of food was a gratification that never failed. His first favorites were Pillsbury products of various kinds and the Pillsbury Doughboy became an addition to his private hall of heroes as soon as the fat, amiable image was introduced as part of an advertising campaign when Karl was still in his teens.
Often forced by circumstance to hide in the library he soon began reading books in depth, gravitating to those that told the stories of men who conquered despite the obstacles of life. He was especially struck by the stories of military heroes and soon saw the correlation in military strategy to those of politics.
Determined to make his career in politics he joined the Republican Party because the Democratic Party regulars were drawn from the parents of the children who had tormented him on the playground in his grade and middle school.
Karl was highly intelligent and learned the skills of ingratiating himself to those in power early on. His driving needs produced an ability to see the motives behind the activities of those individuals with whom he dealt so providing him with the essential means to manipulate events.
In the 70s he came to the attention of George Bush, Senior, who recognizing the drive and talents impervious to others, hired him. He was to formulate and organize the effort needed to assure Bush and the petroleum interests here presented that the gas would continue to flow from pumps so that wealth would continue to fill their bank accounts. This has proven a good investment. It was to be his first job in politics and, in some sense the only job he has ever held.